“Stuck” Script
by Travis Carlson
1
(Julian and Alfred wake up in the middle of a strange pasture, with a video camera and a note)
(Julian turns on the camera): Is it working? Testing? Testing? Alright, we’re good.
Alfred: Hurry the hell up.
Julian: Alright, alright. Jeez. So, we just woke up in this… in this strange place. We’re unsure of where we are, but there was a note here when we woke up. It reads- Wait, Alfred. Tell them what it says.
Alfred: “You are to make a documentary about this world that is much different than ours. You must make this documentary… (pause) …or else.”
Julian: Well, it sounds like we’ve got to make a documentary. So stay tuned, folks… Is it off?
Alfred: You were finished?
Julian: Yes! Turn it off!
Alfred: Fi-. (camera turns off)
(Camera turns back on. Julian and Alfred are inside a bush, observing a group of people who all look the same.)
Alfred: What are they, retarded?
Julian: You did not just say that on our documentary.
Alfred: You never told me the camera was filming!
Julian: Just shut up. Zoom up on them.
Epsilon 1: So den we loaded dem onto da cart, and I took dem to da place. I love my job.
Epsilon 2: Me too! My job is da best. Nutting I would ratter do.
Epsilon 3: Your jobs boring. My job is da betterest.
Epsilon 5: Stop arguing. You guys is so dumb.
Epsilon 4: How much soma do ya guys got?
2
Epsilon 2: Nutting. (he/she frowns)
Epsilon 1: Me got nutting, too.
Epsilon 3: Ha! You guys losas! Me got lot and lot of soma.
Epsilon 1 and 2: Give me some!
Epsilon 3: No! You get you own soma. (He then popped some soma into his mouth.)
Epsilon 1 and 2: Dat it! Me leaving. (They both leave in an angry fashion.)
(The camera zooms back out, and small talk resumes between the epsilons.)
Alfred: Are all people in this world this dumb?
Julian: God, I hope not.
(Alfred points to Epsilon 1.)
Alfred: We should follow him. See what his day is like.
Julian: It’s like… 6:00.
Alfred: He’s dumb. He’ll probably give us a place to stay.
Julian: You called them dumb on our documentary again.
Alfred: You need to learn to turn the camera off.
Julian: You need to learn to be polite.
Alfred: We’re losing him. Let’s go! (camera off)
(camera on. The epsilon is sitting inside his small home. His finger is far up into his nose. He is obviously digging for gold. The camera is pointing into the window of his home.)
Julian: Wow. He’s really going at it.
Alfred: Yeah. I’ve never seen someone get that far up there.
(The epsilon pulls out a huge booger)
Julian: Gnarly!
Alfred: …Gross.
3
(The epsilon notices the two spying on him from the window. He waves in a dumb fashion.)
Alfred: I think he likes us.
Julian: Of course he likes us. Who wouldn’t like someone as good looking as me?
Alfred: …… I think he’s inviting us in.
Julian: Then what’re we waiting for?
(The two filmers go inside the epsilon’s home.)
Epsilon: Wut you want?
Alfred: We were seeking your hospitality!
Epsilon: Me no got hospitality! Wait… Wut is a hospitality?
Julian, in an obviously annoyed tone: Can we just stay here?
Epsilon: Sure! What’s me is you!
Alfred: Perfect! Can we ask you some questions first?
Epsilon: Sure! (The epsilon is obviously very excited that he has some “friends.”)
Alfred: What’s your day like?
Epsilon: First I get out of da bed and go to da bat room. Den I brush my teeth and take a-
Alfred: What about after your morning activities?
Epsilon: Den I go to do da most bestest thing in da entirely word!
Alfred: And that is…?
Epsilon: I get to go to work! I do da sweep, and da mop. Berry, berry fun!
Alfred: And after that?
Epsilon: Me go home and wait.
Alfred: Wait for what?
Epsilon: For more work! Me love da work!
Alfred: I see… And that’s it?
4
Epsilon: Yup! Why you want to know?
Alfred: No reason.
Epsilon: Okay! Me make some food! (Epsilon leaves.)
Julian: This guy’s life sucks. Work and home? This guy’s a loser. I’ve never seen someone be that excited to work.
Alfred, in a mocking tone: You did not just say that on our documentary.
Julian: Listen you-
(The epsilon barges into the room with a plate full of fried chicken.)
Epsilon: Dat smell good, don’t it?
Julian: Yes it does! (camera off)
(The camera turns on, upside down, to Alfred and Julian sitting next to each other on a couch, discussing.)
Julian: We’re such terrible people, you know that? Taking advantage of that poor guy. We’re just gonna straight up ditch him in the morning, and he’s going to have no idea where his “best friends” went.
Alfred: Don’t sweat it man. We gotta do what we gotta do. Anyways, I find him kind of annoying. He’s so incredibly stupid. He can’t even speak correctly.
Julian: Yeah, you’re right… We don’t even know the guy’s name.
Epsilon: You dink me annoying?!
Alfred: No! No! Wait a minute. Is that our camera in your hands! Give that here!
Epsilon: Take dis dumb ting! (the Epsilon hands the camera to Alfred in an angry fashion) Me not stooooopid! You stooopid! Get out if you dink me so dumby.
Julian: This is just a misunderstanding, friend!
Epsilon: GET OUT! … Where da heck is me soma?
(Alfred and Julian leave the Epsilon’s home.)
Julian: You know what’s worse than an idiot?
5
Alfred: What?
Julian: An angry idiot. (camera off)
(Julian and Alfred are back to their original hiding place, using the camera to record people doing their daily routines.)
Alfred: Yesterday, I remember those morons talking about something called “soma”. I wonder what that is.
Julian: Why don’t we just get some so we can try it?
Alfred: And how do you plan to get it?
(A beta man walking on the sidewalk then begins to take out soma. Julian darts to the well-dressed man, and tackles the beta man to the ground. He lays there, unconscious. He takes the bag full of soma from the man’s hand and runs back to the hiding place where Alfred resides.)
Alfred: What was that?
Julian: You wanted to know what “soma” was, so I got some. Now just pop some into your mouth and I’ll take the camera and observe.
Alfred: Why do I have to take it?
Julian: Because I said so.
Alfred: You’re no-
Julian: Just take it. Hand me the camera.
(Julian hands Alfred the soma, and Alfred hands Julian the camera. Julian points it at Alfred.)
Julian: Go on. Take it.
Alfred: I don’t know, man. What if it messes me up?
Julian: You see them taking it all the time!
Alfred: Yeah, do you see how weird they are? They’re also incredibly stupid.
Julian: Now, now. Remember what I said about being polite? We have no idea if they’re all this stupid.
Alfred: I’m not taking it.
6
Julian: Come on.
Alfred: No.
Julian, with the cutest smile you could ever see: Pleeeaaase?
Alfred: Just because of that face, I’ll do it.
Julian: Really?
Alfred: No.
Julian: You know I’ll keep asking until you take it, right?
Alfred, with a sigh: I guess I’ll take it.
(Alfred pops one soma pill into his mouth.)
Julian: Do you feel any different?
Alfred: …No.
Julian: Well, that’s-
Alfred: Wait. I feel… I feel happy. I feel very happy.
Julian: Happy? That’s it?
Alfred: Yeah. It’s like I haven’t got a care in the WHOOOOOOLE entire world. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.
Julian: You don’t feel anything else? No side effects?
Alfred: Not that I can tell. All that I know is that earlier I was worried about being stuck here, but now it’s like I couldn’t be happier.
Julian: So it’s just a happy pill.
Alfred: It sure does seem like it.
Julian: This world just keeps getting stranger and stranger. A happy pill with no side effects? Please.
Alfred: We need someone who can just explain what this world is. No more snooping.
Julian: Maybe that guy lying on the ground could help us.
Alfred: Let’s go get him. (camera off)
7
(Camera turns on. It is pointed at the unconscious beta man who is lying against a wall.)
Julian: I’m tired of waiting for him to wake up.
Alfred: Haven’t you ever heard “Patience is a virtue?”
Julian: To hell with that. (Julian splashes water on the beta man’s face. He wakes.)
Beta: Huh? What? Where am I?
Julian: Hello friend! My name is Julian, and the silly looking guy holding the camera is Alfred! What is your name sir?
Beta: My name is Beethoven. Hey! You’re the guy that came out of nowhere and tackled me! (He pats his pockets.) Where is my soma?
Julian: It seems as if they aren’t all incredibly stupid, Alfred! It’s very nice to meet you, Beethoven! And I can assure you that you will get all… Well, most of your soma back, but first we need your help.
Beethoven the Beta: No! You give me my soma, and I will leave. You deserve no help! I hope you go deaf!
Alfred: Is that any way to act?
Beethoven the Beta: It is when HE (Beethoven points a finger to Julian) both knocks me unconscious AND steals from me!
Julian: You want me to clock you again?
Beethoven the Beta: No, I guess not…
Julian: That’s right. Now are you going to help us, or not?
Beethoven the Beta, with a sigh: …I guess I have to. What do you need?
Julian: Well, first, tell us, what do you do?
Beethoven the Beta: Can you not tell that I’m a beta? What do you think I do?
Alfred: Wait, what? You’re a beta? What does that mean?
Beethoven the Beta: Are you stupid?
Julian: Beethoven the Beta. It has a nice ring to it. It’s probably just some fraternity he’s in. Nevermind it, Alfred.
8
Beethoven the Beta: What’s a-
Julian: TAKE US TO YOUR LEADER, EARTHLING!
Beethoven the Beta: What?
Julian: Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to say that. Who’s in charge around here?
Beethoven the Beta: Well, there’s Mustapha Mond, he’s one of the World Controllers. There’s also the Director, and he’s a lot closer.
Julian: Take us to the Director! Lead on BB! (camera off)
(Camera on. Julian, Alfred, and Beethoven the Beta are standing outside a squat grey building. Over the main entrance there is a sign saying Central London Hatching and Conditioning Centre. There is also a shield with the words “Community, Identity, Stability” written on them.)
Alfred: Hatching and Conditioning Centre?
Beethoven the Beta: Of course. How else do you think babies would be made?
Alfred and Julian in unison: What?
(The trio enters the building. Inside Mustapha is just tinkering around, doing his thing.)
Beethoven the Beta: Mr. Director, sir, I have brought these two men to you. They are looking for someone “that can explain what this world is”. It’s like they’re from another world. They don’t know anything.
Director: I see… Thank you, Beethoven. You may take your leave.
(Beethoven leaves.)
Julian: Man, I was really starting to like him. I’ll miss you, BB. (Julian waves to the leaving Beethoven.)
Director: So what was it that you two needed?
Alfred: We’re from a place far, far away. We’re making a documentary of this world. We were wondering if you could explain what went on here.
Director: Hmmm… I shall tell you of this world… IN SONG!
(Insert musical number here.)
Julian: You’re voice is so enchanting.
9
Alfred: That was very informational, Mr. Director. We appreciate it.
Director: Oh, it was no problem! I leap at the chance to sing.
Alfred: Again, thank you. We’ll be off now.
Director: I don’t think so. (Alfred and Julian reach the door to find that it is locked. A sly grin emerges from the Director’s face.)
Julian: Why won’t it open?
Alfred, in a mocking tone: I don’t know. Maybe it’s locked.
Director, laughing: Yes, it is locked.
Alfred: Well, why don’t you open it?
Director: Because I don’t want to.
Alfred: Stop screwing with us, man. Let us out.
Director: No.
(Julian starts slamming himself into the doors.)
Julian: LET US OUT!
Director: No. You’ll be staying with me.
(The Director puts on a gas mask, smiling. Alfred falls unconscious a moment before Julian does the same. Camera off.)
(Camera on. Julian wakes up in a room alone, with the camera sitting in his lap.)
Julian: What just happened…?
(About ten seconds pass.)
Julian: Darnit, Alfred! Why are you ig- … Alfred?
(Julian rises, looking around.)
Julian: Alfred? Where are you? Wait… The Director. He probably has him. I have to find him!
10
(While trying to find the Director and Alfred, Julian encounters a bunch of epsilon servants, which he uses kung fu moves to get past [imagine Kill Bill]. After many waves of epsilons, he arrives at the Director’s office. Alfred is in there, dressed in a dress and with an apple in his mouth. He is strapped to a chair. The Director isn’t anywhere to be seen. Julian rushes to Alfred to free him. He is only able to free one arm when a chair hits him from behind. He falls to the ground, looking backward.)
Julian: Gah!
Director: I see you have made it through my skilled epsilons. Very impressive, I have to admit. But not impressive enough to defeat me. (He bows before taking preying mantis stance. Julian rises.)
Julian: We shall see! (He takes some funky stance.) Yah!
(An epic battles ensues. Blows are traded back and forth, and epicness is at it’s max. A bunch of epic stuff happens before)
Director: Ah! Yah! Look!
(Julian looks to where the Director points.)
Director: Aha! (He kicks at him, and Julian flies against the wall.) I told you you were not powerful enough to face me!
Alfred: Yeah, but together we kick some ass. (He is behind the Director, and nails him on the back of the head with a pan. He falls to the ground unconscious.)
Julian, looking up at Alfred: Thanks, bud.
Alfred: No, thank you. I wonder why he tried to do this to us.
Julian: Well, we can find out when he wakes. We just gotta wait for now. (camera off.)
(camera on. The Director is tied to a chair in front of a table with a lamp in a dark room. Julian and Alfred are sitting on the opposite side of the table.)
Julian: I call bad cop.
Alfred: We’re just asking why he did this to us.
Julian: I still call bad cop.
Alfred: They don’t- whatever. You can be bad cop.
Julian: Sweet. (The Director wakes.) Look!
11
Alfred: It’s about time. You were out for like five hours.
Julian: Did you see how hard you hit him?
Alfred: I did hit him pretty hard, didn’t I? I pride myself on that, you sick man!
Director: Huh… Where am I?
Julian: It’s our secret hideout… It’s our Batcave!
Director: …What’s a Batcave?
Alfred: Nevermind it. Why’d you try to… What were you trying to do with us?
Director: Was it not obvious? I was gonna kill you.
Alfred: …Then why’d you put me in this DRESS (Alfred is still in the dress. He could not find his clothes.) and put an apple in my mouth?
Director: I wanted to get a funny picture for my scrapbook.
Julian: Your scrapbook?
Director: Yup. I enjoy making scrapbooks. Problem?
Alfred: I used to do it in middle school.
Director: You used to make scrapbooks? What’d you make them of?
Alfred: Of all sorts of stuff! Animals, foods I ate, my family!
Julian: You two are ridiculous.
Alfred: What’s the scrapbook you’re making right now?
Director: It’s of-
Julian: STOP! He’s just getting us distracted. Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.
Alfred: Oh, right. Sorry.
Julian: Why were you trying to kill us?
Director: I’m fed up with this world, that’s why. I’m the laughing stock of everybody! You probably heard that I have SON!
Julian: We haven’t.
12
Director: Well, he came out to me. The thought of having a son is just… gross. Anyways, I’m the laughing stock of all of London. I’m done with this world. So I figured that, on my way out, I would take as many people as I can with me.
Julian: Seems reasonable to me. How many people have you killed?
Director: You were going to be my first kills. That’s what my newest scrapbook was for. My killings. I wanted a silly picture of my first kill.
Alfred: … That’s messed up.
Director: I know. I know.
Alfred: It appears we have one thing in common, though.
Director: What’s that?
Alfred: We both aren’t huge fans of this world. Tell you what. We’ll let you go, as long as you stay away from us.
Julian: What?! You’re just gonna let a killer go?
Alfred: I suppose that is a bad idea… We are not going to let you go!
Director: Well, what are you going to do with me then?
Alfred: …. I honestly have no idea.
Julian: We could lock him in this room.
Alfred: And let him starve to death? That’s cruel.
Julian: And him preparing to kill us isn’t?
Alfred: That depends… Were you going to have us die slow, painful deaths, or quick deaths we would have barely felt?
Director: What would help my case?
Alfred: We’re not-
Julian: Quick death.
Director: In that case, I was going to have you die very quickly!
Julian: See! Why should we be cruel to him if he wasn’t going to be cruel to us?
13
Alfred: He was still going to kill us.
Julian: True.
Alfred: Okay. We’re going to let you go. Just stay away from us, and don’t attempt to kill anybody. We may change our minds later, keep in mind, and decide that you should face justice. Right now, we’re just too dumb to figure out what to do. (Alfred unties him.) Go.
Director: Thankyou! I promise, no more killing! (He leaves.)
Julian: You sure this was a good idea?
Alfred: Sure, why not? And if he does decide to keep killing, it’s not like we know anyone here.
(The camera turns on to Alfred and Julian sitting in the park, eating lunch.)
Alfred: Lucky Charms. Best cereal. Hands down.
Julian: Are you kidding me? Frosted Flakes is so much better.
Alfred: No, Frosted Flakes are boring. With Lucky Charms, you get to see all the different charms!
Julian: You can’t beat Tony the Tiger. “They’r-r-r-r-r-r-r-re GREAT!”
Alfred: You’re wrong. Woah, man. Check out that girl.
Julian: We’ve seen like ten girls that look like that today. What’s so special about that one?
Alfred: Don’t know. I’m gonna go talk to her.
Julian: Go for it. I’ll stay here and enjoy my sandwich. (Alfred walks off to go talk to the girl.) Let’s have some fun… (Julian grabs the camera and begins filming Alfred.)
Alfred: Hi sweet buns. The name’s Alfred. Who’re you?
Girl, with a giggle: My name’s Gloria. It’s nice to meet you Alfred.
Alfred: You’re a cutie.
Gloria: I know.
Alfred: Why don’t we go get some icecream or something?
Gloria: But I just ate.
Alfred: So did I! We have so much in common! Let’s go! (camera off)
14
(camera on. Gloria and Alfred are sitting at an icecream shop. Julian is doing his creepy camera stalking thing.)
Alfred: So umm… You like ice cream?
Gloria: Obviously. I’m eating it, aren’t I?
Alfred: Right, right. So what’s your favorite kind?
Julian: God, he sucks.
Gloria: Do you not see the cone in my hand? Chocolate.
Alfred: Ah, right. So what do you like doing?
Gloria: I like watching feelies, taking soma, and having men.
Julian: Wow.
Alfred: Oh… Well, I like having women.
Julian: What.
Gloria: Oh, you do? Let’s do something we both like to do together.
Julian: What just happened? (camera off)
(camera on. Gloria is leading Alfred by the hand into her home. Julian follows in after, filming secretly.)
Gloria: My room is just over here. Let’s go.
Alfred: OKAY!
(Gloria and Alfred head into the room, and close the door behind them. The door opens quickly again, and Alfred places a sock on the door handle before going back into the room. Camera off.)
(The camera turns on to Alfred coming out of the house, with Julian sitting on the lawn.)
Alfred: Dude, I think I’m in love.
Julian: Have you ever heard of infatuation?
15
Alfred: Of course I have. This is different.
Julian: No. It isn’t.
Alfred: I’m in love, Julian. Get over it.
Julian: Whatever, man. (camera off.)
(Camera on. The camera is pointing at Julian’s face. He is speaking to it.)
Julian: So we haven’t been filming for a couple of days, because Alfred has been all obsessed with this “Gloria” chick. I can’t stand it, and quite frankly, I’m getting a bit worried. Whoever wrote this note to us must know we aren’t filming. The reason I’m filming this is so that he thinks we’re actually doing something. We nee- (Alfred comes running in, sobbing.)
Alfred: Julian, (sob) I told her (sob) that I was in love (sob) with her and (sob) she said “Weird.” and left.
Julian: I think you’ll be okay buddy.
Alfred: No! That’s not it! When I went to find her again (sob) she was dead!
Julian: What.
Alfred: Yeah, dead! I hate my life.
Julian: …The Director.
Alfred: We should’ve never let him go!
Julian: It was your decision!
Alfred: She’s dead and it’s my fault!
Julian: It’s not your fault, man. It’s the Director’s fault. He lied.
Alfred: But I let him go.
Julian: Alfred, calm down. No one is at fault here. Well, the Director is, but he’s not here. And… This isn’t bad. If she didn’t break up with you, and, well, die, we might have soon been dead.
Alfred: Why would you say that?
Julian: Because we haven’t been filming! We need to flim! If we don’t… the note.
Alfred: Screw you! Screw the documentary! Screw the man who sent us here to make this!
16
Julian: Alfred, he’s probably watching right now.
Alfred: I… I don’t care. I’m done. I’m through. I’d rather be dead, resting with Gloria, than film this documentary.
Mysterious Man: That can be arranged. (A gunshot is heard, and Alfred falls to the ground. The camera darts to a hooded man, pointing a gun where Alfred was filming.)
Julian: ALFRED! (He lays on the ground, dead and bloodied.) ALFRED! You killed him!
Mysterious Man: Yes, I did.
Julian: Why did you send us here?!
Mysterious Man: Keep filming. (He begins to walk away.)
Julian: Or what?!
Mysterious Man: Or else. (The mysterious man leaves.)
(Julian sits next to Alfred.)
Julian: Heh. I guess our parents were right, huh? Girls bring nothing but trouble… Don’t worry, man. Your death won’t be in vain. I’ll get revenge, you better count on it. I’ll get revenge on you… and Gloria, I guess.(camera off.)
by Travis Carlson
1
(Julian and Alfred wake up in the middle of a strange pasture, with a video camera and a note)
(Julian turns on the camera): Is it working? Testing? Testing? Alright, we’re good.
Alfred: Hurry the hell up.
Julian: Alright, alright. Jeez. So, we just woke up in this… in this strange place. We’re unsure of where we are, but there was a note here when we woke up. It reads- Wait, Alfred. Tell them what it says.
Alfred: “You are to make a documentary about this world that is much different than ours. You must make this documentary… (pause) …or else.”
Julian: Well, it sounds like we’ve got to make a documentary. So stay tuned, folks… Is it off?
Alfred: You were finished?
Julian: Yes! Turn it off!
Alfred: Fi-. (camera turns off)
(Camera turns back on. Julian and Alfred are inside a bush, observing a group of people who all look the same.)
Alfred: What are they, retarded?
Julian: You did not just say that on our documentary.
Alfred: You never told me the camera was filming!
Julian: Just shut up. Zoom up on them.
Epsilon 1: So den we loaded dem onto da cart, and I took dem to da place. I love my job.
Epsilon 2: Me too! My job is da best. Nutting I would ratter do.
Epsilon 3: Your jobs boring. My job is da betterest.
Epsilon 5: Stop arguing. You guys is so dumb.
Epsilon 4: How much soma do ya guys got?
2
Epsilon 2: Nutting. (he/she frowns)
Epsilon 1: Me got nutting, too.
Epsilon 3: Ha! You guys losas! Me got lot and lot of soma.
Epsilon 1 and 2: Give me some!
Epsilon 3: No! You get you own soma. (He then popped some soma into his mouth.)
Epsilon 1 and 2: Dat it! Me leaving. (They both leave in an angry fashion.)
(The camera zooms back out, and small talk resumes between the epsilons.)
Alfred: Are all people in this world this dumb?
Julian: God, I hope not.
(Alfred points to Epsilon 1.)
Alfred: We should follow him. See what his day is like.
Julian: It’s like… 6:00.
Alfred: He’s dumb. He’ll probably give us a place to stay.
Julian: You called them dumb on our documentary again.
Alfred: You need to learn to turn the camera off.
Julian: You need to learn to be polite.
Alfred: We’re losing him. Let’s go! (camera off)
(camera on. The epsilon is sitting inside his small home. His finger is far up into his nose. He is obviously digging for gold. The camera is pointing into the window of his home.)
Julian: Wow. He’s really going at it.
Alfred: Yeah. I’ve never seen someone get that far up there.
(The epsilon pulls out a huge booger)
Julian: Gnarly!
Alfred: …Gross.
3
(The epsilon notices the two spying on him from the window. He waves in a dumb fashion.)
Alfred: I think he likes us.
Julian: Of course he likes us. Who wouldn’t like someone as good looking as me?
Alfred: …… I think he’s inviting us in.
Julian: Then what’re we waiting for?
(The two filmers go inside the epsilon’s home.)
Epsilon: Wut you want?
Alfred: We were seeking your hospitality!
Epsilon: Me no got hospitality! Wait… Wut is a hospitality?
Julian, in an obviously annoyed tone: Can we just stay here?
Epsilon: Sure! What’s me is you!
Alfred: Perfect! Can we ask you some questions first?
Epsilon: Sure! (The epsilon is obviously very excited that he has some “friends.”)
Alfred: What’s your day like?
Epsilon: First I get out of da bed and go to da bat room. Den I brush my teeth and take a-
Alfred: What about after your morning activities?
Epsilon: Den I go to do da most bestest thing in da entirely word!
Alfred: And that is…?
Epsilon: I get to go to work! I do da sweep, and da mop. Berry, berry fun!
Alfred: And after that?
Epsilon: Me go home and wait.
Alfred: Wait for what?
Epsilon: For more work! Me love da work!
Alfred: I see… And that’s it?
4
Epsilon: Yup! Why you want to know?
Alfred: No reason.
Epsilon: Okay! Me make some food! (Epsilon leaves.)
Julian: This guy’s life sucks. Work and home? This guy’s a loser. I’ve never seen someone be that excited to work.
Alfred, in a mocking tone: You did not just say that on our documentary.
Julian: Listen you-
(The epsilon barges into the room with a plate full of fried chicken.)
Epsilon: Dat smell good, don’t it?
Julian: Yes it does! (camera off)
(The camera turns on, upside down, to Alfred and Julian sitting next to each other on a couch, discussing.)
Julian: We’re such terrible people, you know that? Taking advantage of that poor guy. We’re just gonna straight up ditch him in the morning, and he’s going to have no idea where his “best friends” went.
Alfred: Don’t sweat it man. We gotta do what we gotta do. Anyways, I find him kind of annoying. He’s so incredibly stupid. He can’t even speak correctly.
Julian: Yeah, you’re right… We don’t even know the guy’s name.
Epsilon: You dink me annoying?!
Alfred: No! No! Wait a minute. Is that our camera in your hands! Give that here!
Epsilon: Take dis dumb ting! (the Epsilon hands the camera to Alfred in an angry fashion) Me not stooooopid! You stooopid! Get out if you dink me so dumby.
Julian: This is just a misunderstanding, friend!
Epsilon: GET OUT! … Where da heck is me soma?
(Alfred and Julian leave the Epsilon’s home.)
Julian: You know what’s worse than an idiot?
5
Alfred: What?
Julian: An angry idiot. (camera off)
(Julian and Alfred are back to their original hiding place, using the camera to record people doing their daily routines.)
Alfred: Yesterday, I remember those morons talking about something called “soma”. I wonder what that is.
Julian: Why don’t we just get some so we can try it?
Alfred: And how do you plan to get it?
(A beta man walking on the sidewalk then begins to take out soma. Julian darts to the well-dressed man, and tackles the beta man to the ground. He lays there, unconscious. He takes the bag full of soma from the man’s hand and runs back to the hiding place where Alfred resides.)
Alfred: What was that?
Julian: You wanted to know what “soma” was, so I got some. Now just pop some into your mouth and I’ll take the camera and observe.
Alfred: Why do I have to take it?
Julian: Because I said so.
Alfred: You’re no-
Julian: Just take it. Hand me the camera.
(Julian hands Alfred the soma, and Alfred hands Julian the camera. Julian points it at Alfred.)
Julian: Go on. Take it.
Alfred: I don’t know, man. What if it messes me up?
Julian: You see them taking it all the time!
Alfred: Yeah, do you see how weird they are? They’re also incredibly stupid.
Julian: Now, now. Remember what I said about being polite? We have no idea if they’re all this stupid.
Alfred: I’m not taking it.
6
Julian: Come on.
Alfred: No.
Julian, with the cutest smile you could ever see: Pleeeaaase?
Alfred: Just because of that face, I’ll do it.
Julian: Really?
Alfred: No.
Julian: You know I’ll keep asking until you take it, right?
Alfred, with a sigh: I guess I’ll take it.
(Alfred pops one soma pill into his mouth.)
Julian: Do you feel any different?
Alfred: …No.
Julian: Well, that’s-
Alfred: Wait. I feel… I feel happy. I feel very happy.
Julian: Happy? That’s it?
Alfred: Yeah. It’s like I haven’t got a care in the WHOOOOOOLE entire world. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.
Julian: You don’t feel anything else? No side effects?
Alfred: Not that I can tell. All that I know is that earlier I was worried about being stuck here, but now it’s like I couldn’t be happier.
Julian: So it’s just a happy pill.
Alfred: It sure does seem like it.
Julian: This world just keeps getting stranger and stranger. A happy pill with no side effects? Please.
Alfred: We need someone who can just explain what this world is. No more snooping.
Julian: Maybe that guy lying on the ground could help us.
Alfred: Let’s go get him. (camera off)
7
(Camera turns on. It is pointed at the unconscious beta man who is lying against a wall.)
Julian: I’m tired of waiting for him to wake up.
Alfred: Haven’t you ever heard “Patience is a virtue?”
Julian: To hell with that. (Julian splashes water on the beta man’s face. He wakes.)
Beta: Huh? What? Where am I?
Julian: Hello friend! My name is Julian, and the silly looking guy holding the camera is Alfred! What is your name sir?
Beta: My name is Beethoven. Hey! You’re the guy that came out of nowhere and tackled me! (He pats his pockets.) Where is my soma?
Julian: It seems as if they aren’t all incredibly stupid, Alfred! It’s very nice to meet you, Beethoven! And I can assure you that you will get all… Well, most of your soma back, but first we need your help.
Beethoven the Beta: No! You give me my soma, and I will leave. You deserve no help! I hope you go deaf!
Alfred: Is that any way to act?
Beethoven the Beta: It is when HE (Beethoven points a finger to Julian) both knocks me unconscious AND steals from me!
Julian: You want me to clock you again?
Beethoven the Beta: No, I guess not…
Julian: That’s right. Now are you going to help us, or not?
Beethoven the Beta, with a sigh: …I guess I have to. What do you need?
Julian: Well, first, tell us, what do you do?
Beethoven the Beta: Can you not tell that I’m a beta? What do you think I do?
Alfred: Wait, what? You’re a beta? What does that mean?
Beethoven the Beta: Are you stupid?
Julian: Beethoven the Beta. It has a nice ring to it. It’s probably just some fraternity he’s in. Nevermind it, Alfred.
8
Beethoven the Beta: What’s a-
Julian: TAKE US TO YOUR LEADER, EARTHLING!
Beethoven the Beta: What?
Julian: Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to say that. Who’s in charge around here?
Beethoven the Beta: Well, there’s Mustapha Mond, he’s one of the World Controllers. There’s also the Director, and he’s a lot closer.
Julian: Take us to the Director! Lead on BB! (camera off)
(Camera on. Julian, Alfred, and Beethoven the Beta are standing outside a squat grey building. Over the main entrance there is a sign saying Central London Hatching and Conditioning Centre. There is also a shield with the words “Community, Identity, Stability” written on them.)
Alfred: Hatching and Conditioning Centre?
Beethoven the Beta: Of course. How else do you think babies would be made?
Alfred and Julian in unison: What?
(The trio enters the building. Inside Mustapha is just tinkering around, doing his thing.)
Beethoven the Beta: Mr. Director, sir, I have brought these two men to you. They are looking for someone “that can explain what this world is”. It’s like they’re from another world. They don’t know anything.
Director: I see… Thank you, Beethoven. You may take your leave.
(Beethoven leaves.)
Julian: Man, I was really starting to like him. I’ll miss you, BB. (Julian waves to the leaving Beethoven.)
Director: So what was it that you two needed?
Alfred: We’re from a place far, far away. We’re making a documentary of this world. We were wondering if you could explain what went on here.
Director: Hmmm… I shall tell you of this world… IN SONG!
(Insert musical number here.)
Julian: You’re voice is so enchanting.
9
Alfred: That was very informational, Mr. Director. We appreciate it.
Director: Oh, it was no problem! I leap at the chance to sing.
Alfred: Again, thank you. We’ll be off now.
Director: I don’t think so. (Alfred and Julian reach the door to find that it is locked. A sly grin emerges from the Director’s face.)
Julian: Why won’t it open?
Alfred, in a mocking tone: I don’t know. Maybe it’s locked.
Director, laughing: Yes, it is locked.
Alfred: Well, why don’t you open it?
Director: Because I don’t want to.
Alfred: Stop screwing with us, man. Let us out.
Director: No.
(Julian starts slamming himself into the doors.)
Julian: LET US OUT!
Director: No. You’ll be staying with me.
(The Director puts on a gas mask, smiling. Alfred falls unconscious a moment before Julian does the same. Camera off.)
(Camera on. Julian wakes up in a room alone, with the camera sitting in his lap.)
Julian: What just happened…?
(About ten seconds pass.)
Julian: Darnit, Alfred! Why are you ig- … Alfred?
(Julian rises, looking around.)
Julian: Alfred? Where are you? Wait… The Director. He probably has him. I have to find him!
10
(While trying to find the Director and Alfred, Julian encounters a bunch of epsilon servants, which he uses kung fu moves to get past [imagine Kill Bill]. After many waves of epsilons, he arrives at the Director’s office. Alfred is in there, dressed in a dress and with an apple in his mouth. He is strapped to a chair. The Director isn’t anywhere to be seen. Julian rushes to Alfred to free him. He is only able to free one arm when a chair hits him from behind. He falls to the ground, looking backward.)
Julian: Gah!
Director: I see you have made it through my skilled epsilons. Very impressive, I have to admit. But not impressive enough to defeat me. (He bows before taking preying mantis stance. Julian rises.)
Julian: We shall see! (He takes some funky stance.) Yah!
(An epic battles ensues. Blows are traded back and forth, and epicness is at it’s max. A bunch of epic stuff happens before)
Director: Ah! Yah! Look!
(Julian looks to where the Director points.)
Director: Aha! (He kicks at him, and Julian flies against the wall.) I told you you were not powerful enough to face me!
Alfred: Yeah, but together we kick some ass. (He is behind the Director, and nails him on the back of the head with a pan. He falls to the ground unconscious.)
Julian, looking up at Alfred: Thanks, bud.
Alfred: No, thank you. I wonder why he tried to do this to us.
Julian: Well, we can find out when he wakes. We just gotta wait for now. (camera off.)
(camera on. The Director is tied to a chair in front of a table with a lamp in a dark room. Julian and Alfred are sitting on the opposite side of the table.)
Julian: I call bad cop.
Alfred: We’re just asking why he did this to us.
Julian: I still call bad cop.
Alfred: They don’t- whatever. You can be bad cop.
Julian: Sweet. (The Director wakes.) Look!
11
Alfred: It’s about time. You were out for like five hours.
Julian: Did you see how hard you hit him?
Alfred: I did hit him pretty hard, didn’t I? I pride myself on that, you sick man!
Director: Huh… Where am I?
Julian: It’s our secret hideout… It’s our Batcave!
Director: …What’s a Batcave?
Alfred: Nevermind it. Why’d you try to… What were you trying to do with us?
Director: Was it not obvious? I was gonna kill you.
Alfred: …Then why’d you put me in this DRESS (Alfred is still in the dress. He could not find his clothes.) and put an apple in my mouth?
Director: I wanted to get a funny picture for my scrapbook.
Julian: Your scrapbook?
Director: Yup. I enjoy making scrapbooks. Problem?
Alfred: I used to do it in middle school.
Director: You used to make scrapbooks? What’d you make them of?
Alfred: Of all sorts of stuff! Animals, foods I ate, my family!
Julian: You two are ridiculous.
Alfred: What’s the scrapbook you’re making right now?
Director: It’s of-
Julian: STOP! He’s just getting us distracted. Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.
Alfred: Oh, right. Sorry.
Julian: Why were you trying to kill us?
Director: I’m fed up with this world, that’s why. I’m the laughing stock of everybody! You probably heard that I have SON!
Julian: We haven’t.
12
Director: Well, he came out to me. The thought of having a son is just… gross. Anyways, I’m the laughing stock of all of London. I’m done with this world. So I figured that, on my way out, I would take as many people as I can with me.
Julian: Seems reasonable to me. How many people have you killed?
Director: You were going to be my first kills. That’s what my newest scrapbook was for. My killings. I wanted a silly picture of my first kill.
Alfred: … That’s messed up.
Director: I know. I know.
Alfred: It appears we have one thing in common, though.
Director: What’s that?
Alfred: We both aren’t huge fans of this world. Tell you what. We’ll let you go, as long as you stay away from us.
Julian: What?! You’re just gonna let a killer go?
Alfred: I suppose that is a bad idea… We are not going to let you go!
Director: Well, what are you going to do with me then?
Alfred: …. I honestly have no idea.
Julian: We could lock him in this room.
Alfred: And let him starve to death? That’s cruel.
Julian: And him preparing to kill us isn’t?
Alfred: That depends… Were you going to have us die slow, painful deaths, or quick deaths we would have barely felt?
Director: What would help my case?
Alfred: We’re not-
Julian: Quick death.
Director: In that case, I was going to have you die very quickly!
Julian: See! Why should we be cruel to him if he wasn’t going to be cruel to us?
13
Alfred: He was still going to kill us.
Julian: True.
Alfred: Okay. We’re going to let you go. Just stay away from us, and don’t attempt to kill anybody. We may change our minds later, keep in mind, and decide that you should face justice. Right now, we’re just too dumb to figure out what to do. (Alfred unties him.) Go.
Director: Thankyou! I promise, no more killing! (He leaves.)
Julian: You sure this was a good idea?
Alfred: Sure, why not? And if he does decide to keep killing, it’s not like we know anyone here.
(The camera turns on to Alfred and Julian sitting in the park, eating lunch.)
Alfred: Lucky Charms. Best cereal. Hands down.
Julian: Are you kidding me? Frosted Flakes is so much better.
Alfred: No, Frosted Flakes are boring. With Lucky Charms, you get to see all the different charms!
Julian: You can’t beat Tony the Tiger. “They’r-r-r-r-r-r-r-re GREAT!”
Alfred: You’re wrong. Woah, man. Check out that girl.
Julian: We’ve seen like ten girls that look like that today. What’s so special about that one?
Alfred: Don’t know. I’m gonna go talk to her.
Julian: Go for it. I’ll stay here and enjoy my sandwich. (Alfred walks off to go talk to the girl.) Let’s have some fun… (Julian grabs the camera and begins filming Alfred.)
Alfred: Hi sweet buns. The name’s Alfred. Who’re you?
Girl, with a giggle: My name’s Gloria. It’s nice to meet you Alfred.
Alfred: You’re a cutie.
Gloria: I know.
Alfred: Why don’t we go get some icecream or something?
Gloria: But I just ate.
Alfred: So did I! We have so much in common! Let’s go! (camera off)
14
(camera on. Gloria and Alfred are sitting at an icecream shop. Julian is doing his creepy camera stalking thing.)
Alfred: So umm… You like ice cream?
Gloria: Obviously. I’m eating it, aren’t I?
Alfred: Right, right. So what’s your favorite kind?
Julian: God, he sucks.
Gloria: Do you not see the cone in my hand? Chocolate.
Alfred: Ah, right. So what do you like doing?
Gloria: I like watching feelies, taking soma, and having men.
Julian: Wow.
Alfred: Oh… Well, I like having women.
Julian: What.
Gloria: Oh, you do? Let’s do something we both like to do together.
Julian: What just happened? (camera off)
(camera on. Gloria is leading Alfred by the hand into her home. Julian follows in after, filming secretly.)
Gloria: My room is just over here. Let’s go.
Alfred: OKAY!
(Gloria and Alfred head into the room, and close the door behind them. The door opens quickly again, and Alfred places a sock on the door handle before going back into the room. Camera off.)
(The camera turns on to Alfred coming out of the house, with Julian sitting on the lawn.)
Alfred: Dude, I think I’m in love.
Julian: Have you ever heard of infatuation?
15
Alfred: Of course I have. This is different.
Julian: No. It isn’t.
Alfred: I’m in love, Julian. Get over it.
Julian: Whatever, man. (camera off.)
(Camera on. The camera is pointing at Julian’s face. He is speaking to it.)
Julian: So we haven’t been filming for a couple of days, because Alfred has been all obsessed with this “Gloria” chick. I can’t stand it, and quite frankly, I’m getting a bit worried. Whoever wrote this note to us must know we aren’t filming. The reason I’m filming this is so that he thinks we’re actually doing something. We nee- (Alfred comes running in, sobbing.)
Alfred: Julian, (sob) I told her (sob) that I was in love (sob) with her and (sob) she said “Weird.” and left.
Julian: I think you’ll be okay buddy.
Alfred: No! That’s not it! When I went to find her again (sob) she was dead!
Julian: What.
Alfred: Yeah, dead! I hate my life.
Julian: …The Director.
Alfred: We should’ve never let him go!
Julian: It was your decision!
Alfred: She’s dead and it’s my fault!
Julian: It’s not your fault, man. It’s the Director’s fault. He lied.
Alfred: But I let him go.
Julian: Alfred, calm down. No one is at fault here. Well, the Director is, but he’s not here. And… This isn’t bad. If she didn’t break up with you, and, well, die, we might have soon been dead.
Alfred: Why would you say that?
Julian: Because we haven’t been filming! We need to flim! If we don’t… the note.
Alfred: Screw you! Screw the documentary! Screw the man who sent us here to make this!
16
Julian: Alfred, he’s probably watching right now.
Alfred: I… I don’t care. I’m done. I’m through. I’d rather be dead, resting with Gloria, than film this documentary.
Mysterious Man: That can be arranged. (A gunshot is heard, and Alfred falls to the ground. The camera darts to a hooded man, pointing a gun where Alfred was filming.)
Julian: ALFRED! (He lays on the ground, dead and bloodied.) ALFRED! You killed him!
Mysterious Man: Yes, I did.
Julian: Why did you send us here?!
Mysterious Man: Keep filming. (He begins to walk away.)
Julian: Or what?!
Mysterious Man: Or else. (The mysterious man leaves.)
(Julian sits next to Alfred.)
Julian: Heh. I guess our parents were right, huh? Girls bring nothing but trouble… Don’t worry, man. Your death won’t be in vain. I’ll get revenge, you better count on it. I’ll get revenge on you… and Gloria, I guess.(camera off.)